Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in milesblackwolf's LiveJournal:

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Friday, October 16th, 2009
10:58 am	feel the crunch to samhain! Woo! i seem to lack skills for time managment lately. :P For those not used to Samhain, it is the more recognized holiday for witches. That is all im going to say on that, do notg wana get in some big discussion over what others make of it. To break it down, the woofy is making a new fursuit. One i will hopefully finish this time and on time for my trip to Ohio. So far ive finished the feet, most the body,half the skeleton for the head, hands are comming along well too. Anyone want pics of te work or finished suit? toss me a line. :) Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 20th, 2009
1:28 am	deep though, insane wolf Its so late and i must sleep soon so i can wake again for the abysmal hell of a dead end job to make a hand full of cash. Its so late, i send messages like burning notes into the cyberspace of the world to never (hopefully) be read by any living person. Once upon a time someone great gave me a chance, opened my eyes and gave me more than i ever expected i myself could feel. I can die alone and forgotten so long as somehow, someway i was able to pass that one gift to someone. So much of life is hustle, bustle, money, credit, material things we buy and look at and go ...wtf did we really need this in life. we forgot our brothers, sisters, cousins. Life is about us, about love, about betting ourselves. TO be trapped in money and things, we die a little inside. I was like that. i thought all i need was to trample step and crawl to the top to be rich, wear a suit and command. I got a second chance, i felt something in me i forgot when i was little. I faith thud, a silent throbbing. I remembered to feel. And i learned what it was to live. ........I can never repay this, but i hope anyone reading this. ...Live, love, be happy. Hold those you love, remember what great things you were given, not just those with paper tags. Love and caring for all. Miles Blackwolf Current Mood: drunk Current Music: none encompass this (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
12:04 am	Uroborus we meet again. The years seems to have gone so fast. Amazing and albeit a bit scary at times. Surroundings and keeping busy seem to have kept me off track for a year. Hopefully the are shall undergo a but of a uplifting economic tide soon so i can get back on my previous hoped schedule. Ive lost quite a bit of contact with people once close to me, but perhaps the last few years and my own personal changes has proven reason for my ostricisation. Im not sure i should feel regret, people grow and change, schedules and lives change as do friendships and i can not hold onto all things past or present. I miss and shall miss many. But to grow and further that which i hope for i can not keep expending energy i don't have to keep so many ties goings, especially those that are felt ...unwanted. Or perhaps i'm thinking beyond my limits and only basing such thoughts on hard evidence i see, and forgetting the human machine that defies such simplistic mechanical qualities. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, December 26th, 2008
2:30 am	xmas for all, cake for some? Well chritmas has now come and gone. Hope everyone had a good one! Unfortunatly we ran out of milk so i didnt get to make a cake POO! ahh well, last thing i need in my diet is more sweets. Recently i broke a tooth...well filling came out to be precise. ON A FRY? Seriously, my fillings break while eating fries, not hard candy, not knawing on a bone or pencil. No,no has to be a fry, a sliver of deep fried potattoes thats softer than a fish stick ...whatever. But good news again! (hey im going to live up good news, i dont usually have large stock piles here :P ) My old dentist is still around and ill be seeign himt he 31st to et ti fixed, 3 surface filling 180 bucks. I cnt argue with that, hes got good hand i dont get stabbed full of pain. Fair price and he goes out his way to help his patients. For some might seme like a crapy holiday schedule for things but im happy with it. :) Filling broke no pain, no dicomfort so not like im suffering ither. So back on track...where was I? Oh yes HOLIDAYS! I hope you all had wonder full holidays, with family, freinds, mates lovers etc. Its a time of the year we should all be alloed least the companionship of someone that cares for us and vice versa. but thats my opinion feel free to chunk the rolls of pennys at my head for voicing my mind if need be. hehe...whee gas money!? Alas i commited a taboo i splurged for myself. Absenthe...american and weak but i like it. Give ya really weird dreams before bed too it seems hehe. But please for everyone, BE SAFE! I know were getign bad weahter in lots of places so dont tempt fate guys, be safe, dont drink and drive, dont drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth (i know no rreally a saftey thing but UGH sooo gross tasting), dont ply with silver ware in power outlets. Ok theres my over parenting for now. Hope to hear from you readers, hope things are great for you in 2009 and hope new years is safe and fun as well! Sincerly Miles Current Mood: awake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 15th, 2008
3:34 pm	Ending of the year. And to those i care for,love and admire most The year is comming to an end for some of us. And for some its only a couple of days left since, in some small way time stopped for a painful moment. But Science. magic, religion, faith; we know the simple fdact that time must move again and has. No matter a wish for the impossible, or wish to change places with another to bring Grim back to those to whome like me he ment the world to. So all i can do is keep my composure now and say what few words i can and hope the convey how i feel, and what i hope. For you all, that know me and dont. That knew Grim and shared your time and that spark of the devine he seemed to sprad with all that ever meet him. To you all i wish you a safe week, a safe holiday. Happinees and the ability to live a life un fettered by "bad luck" i wish for you all nothing but happeness and good times to come. I would beg pain not follow you anymore if you are hurt, though i know to wish and beg are two sides of the same coin and not a relistic endevor. But i know for fact, such things are possible with someoen tto help, with freinds, and those you love and trust. Especially this time of year, so many of us be come trapped in the black end of the year, depression, bills, envy of the material and not so material around us. For all of you i admire, care for and love, I hope that this year you find those you be close to, to shae your happy and sad times with, and most of all...i hope you find happeness in the comfort that you are always loved and always have a friend when ever you need one. Lovingly, and carringly, Miles Alexis Blackwolf Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
11:19 am	A perfect circle...yet broken in ways (read at own risk) The frame of refrence of things i have always admonished as possibility have proven to be wrong in the manner i thought. A year has nearly come. I find myself weakned and unable to focus, to find energy that in the past year i though i had found again. Dreams become strained and painfull, my thoughts drive me to solitude. Its hard to even write this as the word seem to escape my thoughts as quicky as they come to me. THe time i lost so long ago. the brief time i had to say hello. The knowledge that Kyle found someone, and that Sasya found him. Reading and hearing what i know im glad to see he was happy and painfully in sorry to have lost him all over again. but even more so for Sasya. Cause i knew who Kyle was, what kind aof person he was. A foolish old wolf all but worshiping him as a god cause of how i love him but was a coward to fight to be in his life when mine fell apart. Is said time heals all wounds. Ive lerned yet again. wounds never heal they just hide and will always hurt when found again. The year was long, so many names, memories. and painful explanations. Forgive me for my out bursts and beign a lound mouth blagard dear readers. As much as i swore id keep this to myself, i feel i cant take it anymore. And no doubt i shall pay the price for this soon. so ill simply say all i can while i can for a brief time. To a very special hocky fox. you wondered why it wa i took such a sudden like to you? Why i look to you so happly? You told me the truth. you were a voice when i had none to comfort me. And mot of all you gave him what i had hope i could have all that time. You gave him all i ever wanted for him and more. For that alone, i could never say thank you ina way human words could ever convey how much they mean or how much love i feel for you for being that someone. You were alos the first person in a long time since Kyle to ever talk to me and make me think, though im sure i was only rambling back. Ive lost my dreams. I dreams the impossible, i dreamed of the possible. But not till it was to late did i see wha the goals of all dreams are. I never cared how far i got, how well i did. I just wanted to be closer to Kyle, to see him and his freinds, to have a coffee. To have the one person that ment more to me that my own life least close enough to talk to again. ...a perfect cirlce full of broken dreams. but least held. and chereished no matter what could pass. Sorry for the broken everything.... im afraid i cant see my screen and i have to flee the room many times for air today. .....forgive me. and im sorry for how this may come across. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: life is beautiful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
3:12 am	overdue post MFF! yea yea im bad about posting. >< im not used to posting events and keeping in touch via any medium other than personal or aim. Just seems so belated i suppose. Annnyways, Mff was a blast, met a lot of new people, saw some old friends. Bust most importantly ....leas to me ...i saw someone i promised a breakfast. Sneaky fox i still owe you! :) but really. :) i waited a long time to get to have a real chat. :) and it was a enlightening conversation. one i have been devoid of for quite some time now. And by no means should anyone thing that the con was solely for the one person whom i wanted to see. Nay for i wanted to see and hug and be with everyone i know and would meet. Though many people i missed, i found and got to see and hang with just as many. That's why the con was awesome is for those i care about ... minus the hour long stand in the freaking cold cause some dumb arse wanted to smoke in a fire stairwell. It had been a long time.... wow oct was the first time i seen anyone since fc. Suppose im still the old lone wolf. :P but it works out, because when i get to see those i care for the meeting means that much more to me. And yes yes ive heard it before. "But how can you care so much for someone you hardly ever see (if you ever) seen them." Its just how i am. Long time ago someone very special showed me the person i wanted to be wasnt just some fairy tail, but a actual achievable person. Ever since then ive done my best to be a person hed be proud of, or at the least pass on what i learned. that virtually everyone can be card for and loved, umm not in a yiffy sexual way mind you. For those i missed im truly sorry, for those i saw to late im eve more sorry all i had time to say was im headed out. TO a special ringtail im sorry i missed time with you, i hope you recovered quickly, hate to think you missed the con to sickness hun. To all that know me,and those that know of me, hell everyone period, love you all and hope you are well this holiday season, both safe, healthy and happy. Sincerly and lovingly Miles Alexis Blackwolf Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 15th, 2008
9:44 am	belated # 2 post Halloween revisted and a radioactive wasteland! Wow still behind. Pretty much since this not much has happen. Halloween came and as expected ...many things happen. Mabey not as i had hoped but still heartfelt on the day. Serge and me manged time off and got to see Walks and Kit at there halloween party! Woo! Think it was the first time id been social since well FC. Was a wonderfull party thanks for having us. Everyone was very kind and out going and was a lot of fun. Though i obviously over estimated my personal social limitation. I met many very nicve furs who talked with me quit a lot and it ment a lot but same time triggerd a need in me to be solitary for a little bit. Still it was a very wonderfull time and i want o think them and everyone else. *smirks* and Koinukun! cute in a maid outfit! (hehe i rember i used to call Serge that when i first took japanese!) YES after 14 years! well 11-12 for me Fallout 3 was FINALLY released! and yes i was a dingus i payer doe the survival package from amazon. (wich bty the pipboy 3k SUCKS battires down like a 2 dollar whore.) Overall ? 8/10 in my opinion. The system is good, the story is good. some random incounters still harken from the old days. Replay totally well going. Howerver what keeps the score from hitting top for me? The camera keeps you from looking yourself over. the radom encounters still lack the slapstick comedy of old (hitchikers guide to the galexy, monty pythos references. etc that reminded us it wasa game and gave a few cheep laughs. Though the 2 random in counters that seem to directly link to mad max and "mel" harken a little curious comedy. :P and lastly, Perhaps its simply caise of the elderscroll series ive come to love finishing the game and roaming the world still. This game does go back to all fallouts. there IS an end. you live or die and that ends the game. from what i understand. Theres no final quest and see you thers the final uest and games done. start a new one. But that dosent take away from the charm or game play luckly. Rather than do a third post...ill jut cram it here Another WOOOO! as of yesterday its not offical ill make MFF! YES! However chances are i WILL not finihs my mask, suit partial or anything. >.> seems ive lost my touch working on these ><. SO plane old bleh boy there. BUT ill be there and thats what matters. Sides i promised a certain someone i care for a lot with a lunch. I wouldnt wana fail in that. I waited wow almost a year to see him and i promised him a free lunch. :) soo hope to see ya there! And this wraps up my bleated posts, see you again in a few weeks (less i can rember to POST MORE OFTEN! god im bad about that. Miles Current Mood: chipper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:36 am	belated posts ! Wow been a while. Least i been keeping busy. So whats been going on lately? Well down sides are typical. Yay for retail and there greed. New systesm ut in place. COmputerized write ups. Now if your more than 1 min late to work your written up, mre than one min late off break written up. get 6 your on the verge of being fired. After 6 you have 365 days. If your written up at anypoint in that time your fired. White some sides it seems resonable as it makes the rules more strict and with no biased. Its also totally cold and uncaring. People in school a second ob, with kids. Break downs, car wrecks bad weather. Dosen;t matter still written up. The true test/fun of this hearltess machine is winter is comming fast here in Michigan. Icy roads, poor driving conditions, car wrecks and more will permeate the roads like every year. Well see how many people make it threw the gauntlet. Me included. (man why do i still work for these jerks) Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, September 26th, 2008
10:23 am	Ok fine ill post Yes yes, Ive' been pinged for not posing in forever. I simply have not had the words come to mind in order to speak nor know what to say that would be ....acceptable in some peoples eyes. Recent events of late have found me back on my old path. Having become rather "antisocial" as well as distant. The past year has changed a lot of what and who i wanted to be and shown me old paths i so long ago turned my back on. Yet time is not scorn or biased. Following old paths has re-opened my eyes to the potentials unseen many of us never look to see, and some of us use everyday without ever knowing just what it is we are doing. The more i pursue this old path half remembered the clearer it becomes, odd things happen in my dreams and waking dream. "Luck" as it seems has returned my way in small doses. In some old beliefs it was thought a persons destiny is a blessed path. when followed brings forth fortune and luck. Though neither of these i care to much about. Fortune in the generic sense of money and wealth mean nothing to me less it is to help those i care about. Weather you belive in what i do, or see it as a crutch as so many other "spiritual" movements in the past 200 years its purely up to you. It really dosnt matter as long as what ever you believe helps you in life. Things happen for a reason and there is no "coincidence" according to quantum and metaphysics. Yet there is more to just cause and effect. My dreams have told me as other sources that where i am is where i need to be, but i should not like so many things before rush myself nor race head first. Ive forgotten so much ...as it were to say "stop and smell the roses" is a living trend for me for so long. So tied up in personal matters and goals, i for got what it was that made my at piece and only focused on what i knew was physically important to make me happy in this waking dream. I can never teach what i have learned as far as i know, just speak of it and sound like a crazy loon. But id hope for all i have learned now. I can least say that to anyone that reads. Don't become tied up with just meeting goals and keeping busy, but also find your place to be content and happy with more than just the world around you. Miles Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Monday, August 18th, 2008
10:03 am	small praises for bleeding wallets Well, not sure how i should feel at this point. LOL seems yet another person has quit. That leave me, my manager and one other person to cover my department 7 days a week. Overtime? Oh yes please. However ...not so much fun is working 6 days a week. Least i Finally got my raise and with no one there i will be virtually full time despite corp and computer attempts to keep that from happening. Mmmm money. I should be ready for mff and hell mabey even FC, though thats a stretch. I still try my luck at the lotto once or twice a week. I really hoper i win someday. Though given id blow it all if i did. A new car. school, a nice house, new clothes. a little in savings and the rest to everyone i can help. I crashed and fell a long time ago and lived with nothing. *smiles* winning the lotto is more than id ever need or want. Its nothing more than a representation of a dream and a hope to be givien the way to make everyone, least in a little way, happier along our paths. *smiles* and yes that includes those very sweet people out there who dont even talk to me anymore. I hope i get to see them someday, even if all i can do is say hi. Soo randome words in the morning sum up? WORK WORK WORK, MONEY MONEY MONEY.. something somethiong something....HAPPY cons and fun with those i miss, care for and love. This wolf cant be held down for long, to far to go, to much to do and my timmers already started. Love you you all, may you always find a calm to be happy, and a shoulder to cry on when you fall. Miles Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Friday, August 15th, 2008
9:46 am	on a lighter note On a lighter note i finally got my raise despite the slaughtered hours, WHEEE 7.75 ><. MEh money is money right? How ever now its simi worth the bs. 2 people have quit. One got maried and his wife WOW payes the bills, rent, gas, insurrance etc etc and still has 2 grand left over every month. Man im jelious >< im lucky to have 2 bucks! And the other is an old retired marine who moved to florida to live with his son. Long story short? thats like 60 hours put back in our schedules, now im back to 34-39 hours. YES! Means for this week for 34.25 hours i made 202 after taxes, cuts, union dues etc. long as they dont slaughter our hours for holidays again. Thigs will be paid off and ill be back on track for saving for stuff. I really want to take two ver special people out to dinner. :) If your reading this guys. I love you both very much. (now i just got o fear the seasonal time >< ...last oct-feb? like 15-18 hours a WEEK) THank you all for your support. and i love you all. Like brothers and freinds and even some of you like my own sons...so no thinking "dude he wants to shag us all!" Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:28 am	The bucket has a basment now? Cripes Seem as bad as things get they can always find a little lower to get. Its been affecting me in rather annoying ways. Its hard to look up when you keep geting slapped. I cant seem to focus, simple tasks suddenly seem to be over whelming. Hobbies, games, thoughts all getting mushed into a ball of aggrivation. Wich has needless to say not helped my current moods. Were fighting more as were getting more and more stressed. Slept on the couch last night rather than have an argument. I used to write a lot, poems and such....forgive this crappy poem but its how i feel. And forgive me if it seems insulting. I mean no shame or disrespect. Touch to last forever Hard to live in the dark, Hard to see the light, A single touch in time A path unseen and forgotten All that i have to remember All i have to help me see A touch, a smile, a word, Sleeping still in the dark All i have to go on, All i ever wanted. Living again, i know i can Just please wake me. Just one more time Touch me one more time With those words and hands, Just one last touch, to last forever. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
8:34 pm	Please dont read this.... Its been a rough few weeks. The job i worked to build stability and a small saving for school and cons has turned to hell. One where people mattered and employees were the key has turned like so many companies before it as a greedy conglomerate of 3 piece suits in search of money. Alas Fred has reached to old an age to run his company and his sons have taken over. Rented suits told how to make money and we pay the price. Fazed out possitions, computers to schedule hours bassed on how people shop, diminished hours to avoid full time workers and benifits. Yes dear people, Im the Low man on the totem pole now working 5-6 days and for what? 100? 140 bucks a week. After taxes, unions dues and gas? im lucky to have 90 bucks to my name a week. What was ment as a job to gain a little cash has now become a living nightmare. because of the computer i was told roughly, its work or school, work or your kids. Computer schedule bassed off when you say you are available, if your school or kids challange the schedule and it doesn't fit a "bubble" you will not be scheduled. my life has become hell 4-5-6 hours shifts. never able to catch up to what i wanted. Its so rough lately, people have quit and left. possitions fazed out and were expected to pick up the slack. people ive talked to even refused to interview cause of how were treated ,, leaving me to cover even more possitions. ...im nows sitting in place spinning my wheels getting now where. Ive think of the you dear Klye everyday ...so much it hurts sometimes. nad lately causeof work im so depressed i can barly find the strenght ro get up. I miss you so much. You always had advice, along with a few jests. I miss those times no more than ever.But your words adn advice are still there. I feel this jobs keep me from honoring what you gave me. But soon, soon ill be back on path. I miss you, And till im ready for my trip with you ill do all i can to make you proud. rest well Kyle, love you and miss you. Miles Current Mood: stressed Current Music: dragonfly (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 7th, 2008
5:53 am	The days that roll past. Wow... Ok so i'm not good wih posting onm a regular basis. Lets face it, i suck at email too. Chats and phone. Thats my medium. Id make a terrible pen pal. Soooo that aside lets get to the post shall we. So much to write, so many thoughts. lets start wtih fun and work our way down. First off....easter... WTF. Yes im ashamed to say i do work in retail...the lowest of the low. Not just retail but Mejiers. for those unfamiliar, walmart made a supper store. Ya know grocery, junk, more junk etc etc. Mejiers my dear freind is the cause, Fred Meijer, and his fatehr came up with eh idea of all your shopping needs under one roof. Thats right i work for the rat bastards that come up with the super store. Anyways back on track. Easter....retail loves to make money off this crap. cheep over priced crap made in chin sold in bulk to morons who love to buy crap they dont need that will help add to our dumps. But oh my dear freinds the insults do not end. Easter a PAGAN holiday to celibrate fertility and life, hence the rabbit and eggs. Has ever taken a insulting and dare i say morbid turn. The store sell something called "resurect eggs" yes in an ever continuing attempt to wipe all other religon to oblivion toy easter eggs are now sold filled with "memorabilia" of Christ. Crosses, nails, donkies etc. For shame. not only to take a once pagan holiday and place a death over simly caus ehte exsact date isnt surly known but seriously...the very symbol for fertility? i had to laugh my ass off. But it gets better. Passover. While i respect the jewish community and their holidays. Ok come on i cant take some things seriusly. To be detailed? the store sold "plauge masks" and "plauge critters" I kid you not. Ther are the creatures form the 7 plauges moses brought to the egyptians...foam maskes labled death, blood, frogs etc. >.> the world love to ridiule emo's and goths. Yet here we are giving jewish kids foam maskes with little foam bugs and frogs glued to masks labled after horrible plauges!? I understand passover, but seriously i wana slap anyone buying these toys. What coudl posses anyoent o market and sell something as crude, insulting and as tacky as passover plauge toys. >.> Jews have been persicuted for years threw history and unfair stereo types, it would seem that someone is least making a proffit off that. Again i laugh my ass off and say FOR SHAME. As for myself. SOme have asked me privatly. I ...Am ...stable i suppose. I have gone numb a lot. But i have found tht i still can smile. What has been lost i can never regain in my wildest dreams and yes that sadness nd those tears come when i least expect but that dosnt not destry me and i cherish it cause it reminds me that i have not lied to myself and my heart. Does it haunt me...every day i wake but hautn is a cruel term we rember our best times and cherish them, these to are haunting things that we carry always there gone but never gone and im happy knowing that my haunting past isnt bad. I carry on cause i have much i am needed for and to try and achieve and for what was given to me and taught to me so long and not so long ago. I have met many and i love you all. To thos ive talked to that i could but wish i was with you and could share everything im sorry i am not. Nor can i share what i didnt have tthe time to be part of again. I will always be here for you all and i wishi was closer to you when you needed someone...and when i needed some one as well. I live and i love and i always will until it is over, and not by my choice. I do well, i push on. I have quit drinking im glad and afraid. Silnce does not bode well in my mind and drinking only makes me rember the pain. if ever well and sober perhapps better than i have ever been simlly cause im to old to party and drink myself stupid. There is so much more i could say but id rather not. Know i am well and i love you all, im not going anywhere and ill be ther for anyone that ever needs me. Now to current events. Mega behind. mega ahead. Sorry nauta i still havnt gotten to doing the fc pics >< Sorry fox i need to get those pics of this town. Kysh im glad to hear you in the air again, i ope some day i can see you in the sky myself or even sititgn next to you seeign the world form more than a little window in a airliner. Ive coem rahter far, my "family" has grown im glad to be a fahter to those that need a shoulder or just someoen to listen. I love to be needed, and i wish for someone of you i could give the advice you need more than an old dog listning and saying he cares. LOl but i got to hear you smile ..if that makes sense. I love to make peopel happy again and im glad that ive had that chance for so many of you! Ah and soon school getting back into over priced books to learn things...i hope i pass :P Yes still the same old insane wolf. Bio genetics. WTF was i thinking? MAbey a few dreams. mabey a few second chances for people in this world. I can but hope i dont flunk out and can give a little more light back. Wish me luck. :) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
10:17 am	I have never been one for formalities the idea of wright and wrong in a letter sicken me as they seem to clamp a person into a right and wrong way of expressing themselves. I write ...ironicly as i always do in a stage of rum drunkness as i think. My last post struck and deleted yet painfully true. for those that caught for few hours of my post, thank you for your replies. As I sit here, i have grown painfully numb. The pain i felt as i woke, the despair of a life without those i love have faded as i talked to a friend. Some would say pagan or wiccan it really doesn matter. I was give but answers i never wanted to grasp. Since then the pain has gone the shivers of the feeling "someone walking over my grave" gone. And yet I feel more alone than ever. MUch like a person in a old folks home feels whn the calles quit comming and familt no longer has time to visit. I have long pledged an allegance to someone for whom for all may know never knew nor may have ever cared for what i myself never knew i gave to them. I sit here in tears and for what i cry i do not know. I write cause i have no onther way to let these feelings go. I love there for i am. To see and hear such words in modern day we but think "oh thats sweet" but to truly feel such things in our lives as we know it would but stop our voice in cold depression for the lack of words known in a mortal tounge. Many of you know of what i speak and im sorry for how i sound. Some of you are wondering if such words even exist, and for you im sorry i cant describe them better. I have long pledged so much to someone who never could graps how someone so far away over so long could have said such things let alone be truthful. Words i have written, words i have said so many times my ears are numb from hearing myself. I sit and i think.... Now so much has happen. I want to be there for all, to tell you what i know, not of a person but from my life in hopes that in dark times something i know may ease a burden. To hold you when you are like me, alone in a sea of thought afraid that its ot true what you feel. But alas i myself many times feel at that point. We exist for those we love, for our freinds for our family. For me. I have but a sin ...to live such a long life. To loved someone so secretly even to myself. to denie myself life and live in a shadow. Yet i am honored to have still love and miss, if i didnt life for me is but a lie. I have a mate. i have built a "family" i have...had many goals. To those that read, did i mean such things as a sexual relation? Not at all. I belive that many ways he was my soul mate. but that dosent mean i was his. This is by no means a discredit to anyone in my life. The is no singular math to the puzzles in life. I and i know I am someones soul mate. He keeps me going he makes me not give up, he loves and holds me. He is my better half, someone that is cappable of agivating me as much as inspiring hope form the burned remains of my mind. I ponder and i dream, but i do not hope. I pursue my dreams in paper and pen, ideas and theories. the mad typing of a mind over flowing with thought that become jumbled if not laid out to physically grasp in some form or another. The wold i build tetering on a lost ideals. But such is life and all are loved all were part of life. We live but a life one of love and chance. For all to love and all to become like brothers. Should we fail here, what are we but the product of total individualism to the point we are only self important. The world around us echos of this already. And i would But dare tae the last of my dreams and wish for those that are my freinds, family and more to break from the shell of what todays social "norms" have become. To be an individual is a great thing. To beling as something to aotehr and that be returned is soemthing greater than words can describe. To my freids, my loves, my wards and those I love like brothers, yes it is true the fact has been pointed that unfortunatly and true as it is....i am but a tool a self made tool to someone. I love my mate. I love him the same ...regretably. and i mean only regret that I have Unbalnced myself and denied him that wich he desereves. He has stoob by me for narly 8 years and given me a light to go twards in life. An i have never done to him justice for what i have been given. I belong to them but have never been a worthy, but always loyal. Current Mood: Annoying (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
1:34 pm	Belated Fc! WOW been a while again. Lots has happen since my last posts. Guess Ill say whats best in my mind. Raf insited i go to FC wich I hesitantly agreed to. Thank you Raf. I cant say i was happy to go. Truthfully i spent my time deep in my depression and even there feared for situations that would drive me even farther. I meet a few i had wanted to. And missed a few i wihed i could have seen. But I cant say i have regrets cause i simply didnt nwo what to say if i had seen everyone. Even those of you i saw i didnt know what to say but. Hope your ok and im here. Towards the second night i ran into someone i didnt hear about and found a common link with, Him and his mate both. To you both, thank you for given me answers i never looked for. and more importantly. thank you for giving me a calm in my life and the energy to smile a real smile again and find soe happieness so i could see whats still there. Thank you Raf for making me go to FC, It turned me around again and i can say i left happy short the post con depression of course. Now ...touchy feely stuff done ..for now at least. The con was a Hoot. I got to see my Pup josi and save him from some drama, had lots of drinks and laughs and cuddles. A few stories and mempories to carry with me always. I promised lots of pictures... well i Tried. Truth be told my camera SUCKS. seems it cant take fast pictures so about half are toast...POS. But ill be trying to upload some later. And yes I have a Lot of pictures of Jager. Sorry, dont care if hes striahgt or what...JUST WANA HUMP HIM! so sexy! As for the trip home. Horror! OMFG horror. Never i repeat never use US airways! Delayed flights, and the first plane? I cant even all it that, Chairs falling apart, interior looked like goodwill. And to make it better the Pilot anounces there Aux power is down, and htere aux tractor is down. NOW given i kow Aux power is for running o the runway, No biggy. But then he tells us tere having another airline lend them there AUX power? Can you SOUND any more incompetent? THne the flight to Las vegas is got such horrid turbulence it feels like a freaking rollercoster. Congragulations US airways. You manged to teriffing about half the passengers right off the bat and give them a flight threw hell >.> Want some advice. Dont tell people somethings WRONG WITH THE PLANE BEFOR TAKE OFF! Last thing people wana hear is that the half a million dollar plane there in thats goign to haul them 20 tousand feet in the air is BROKEN! ANNNYWAYS other than that flight home was boring. GOt home and TADA CON CRAP! LOL it shall never fell. if you go to a con you or someone you know is going to get sick from something someone had that was passed around at the con. But hey im still alive, typing away. AN di hope to do it all again come ac or mff! :) Love you all, Miles Blackwolf (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 24th, 2008
9:27 am	Dead ends and somethings learned. ALL that and FC too!? Long have i sought answers. I have found more than i was ment to. Only now do i realize what a fool i have been. Kyle let everyone know him, as he wanted an wished for them to know him. I knew hima nd about him even things he wouldnt talk to me about when i asked him about them. That was his choice. He long held me on a diffrent level than others, as he did with each person in his life. There are things he wanted us to know, and he told us. Seking more than we were given has only caused me more pain. I will always want to know more, that is human nature. But if i was ment to know, he would have told me or let me in. I like to belive as he told me more he wanted me to know. Those words will now never come. I should now respect what he gave me and not pry where i was not ment to be. I can not speak for everyone, only hope that they two will find this to be true less they keep searching and find something. If you find something now and jump to a conclusion. He wont be thre to tell you the truth. Information is a dangerious thing in ones hands. All i need to know. all i ever needed to know was what he already told me. And what i already knew. He loved me and i love him forever. I hope someday i will be part of him again. Until then my memories are what i shall cherish, not just covet all he was. Besides, if he saw me doing all that he would be mad at me. Love you where ever you are i hope to see you again. Miles On lighter note, I shall be leaving to FC soon. The first time ill have been in cali in 11 years. I cant say my last trip was all that fun. but thats a whole diffrent story. Ill just ay religious fanatics are NUTS! I go with a heavey heart but new hope, From the afor mentioned paragraph I can honestly say i go to meet people see faces i never gotto see when he was there. Im no longer fearing going to Cali to morn and find more about who i have lost. Im now going to Live, relax, meet people and try and be the person my panther was happy to be around. He liked to smack me around and push me to be better and think more of myself. I cant just mope around the rest of my life ignore what he wanted of me. For ll of you i shall see, i hope you are greeted by my smile. Thank you for being part of his life. And i hope that i can least say hi to you, and mabey be part of yours even if just for a breif moment. Life goes on, and i want to meet you all, not to cry any more but to be happy the way e would want me to be. Way he wants us all to be. Miles Blackwolf Current Mood: Hopefull (Comment on this)
Friday, January 18th, 2008
11:11 am	Dream a little, live a little, Love all you can while you can. The days pass on and on. Dreams of a yesterday and dreams of a tomorrow to never come. Yet For day dreams and what woulds and what ifs, I push on trying ti make sense of it all, looking for answers. Rember being asked what your worst trait was? I can honestly say mine is my heart, never able to let go of anyone ever. And of course there is one who has made such a mark on my life. Dreams become random and scrambled yet I must move on, but ier never let go, and i never will. Live for yourself, life for your memories. I once wrote that the pain i have felt i would never want to be replaced. For some kinds of pain are worth more than any pleasure this crappy ball of a world could ever give. Because of that i wear my glasses. i hide my paina nd keep it close, its all i have left to know what i felt and feel. If it was gone, all thats left it to question myself...or to love what i hold most dear. To love and to cherrish, till death do you part, words i wanted to hear near him, and yet they are false, words written by a stupid preacher that could never understand. Till death do us part ...nay, forever till teh end of time and beyond, no mortal coil to rip away what was so freely given without ever being asked. This is what i have done. And this is what i do for those that make such a mark on me. My mate is all ihave from the triad i created, and so i love, and i live what little i can. And in the end, isnt that all we really want in life? to find those people youd make such vows to, that have meaning to you in life. From my twilight ther eis always light, and this is always dark. As gloomy as it sounds, think of it to yourselves. Twilight is fear, sadnes, love, happeness. We think odf such horrible things and gloom in the dark, yet those twilight hours are the most happiness. Fireflys, walks on the beach under the moon, cuddling up at a camp fire. I may be but a wrecked emo of a wolf, but even you can see what i mean. I miss you, and Ill live, and love. my heart is weaker, my world is darker, but it goes on and ill go on till i see you again only then can i rest form this long journey. Miles Blackowlf Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 29th, 2007
10:24 am	Finding the Strenght to live. I keep trying to go on, Not to survive but to live again. Perhaps I torture myself to much ove the past that i will never be able to let go and accept. I play games, try and be social where i can. But Moments still fail me, wandering thoughts that invade every asspect of me, and i find myself hitting a wall and the weight of it bearing down on me. I pray that hell come in my dreams and give me comfot and will i need to live again. Ive grown so weary of only surviving another day. I log for those mornings of pasy years to wake and smile, to be happy with no gray cloud looming just over the edge. Finding strenght for otheres to be there for them is easy. Find strenght in yourself ive found ...is a constant battle. I find myself in prayer, even though i am pagan, wishing to reach out to the gods and sprits to give me some understanding of why i know so much and yet so little. Trying to live so i can one day join him on his trip and not be turned away for failing along the way. I ask forgivness for this post and the weakness it shows in me, when at such times i want to help anyone i can threw this time. And im sorry for my selfish thoughts. I hope in time to find that the tears come but do not fill me with such pain. A pain that ither ways id never want to forget, it reminds me im alive, and just hopw much i love someone that i miss so much. I know hes ther somewhere. i can feel some warmth come over me at times when i feel ive fallen into nothing, pulling me back to let me know hes there and i have so much still to do. Thank you for being there for me again when i needed you. Miles Current Mood: confused Current Music: here without you (1 Comment |Comment on this)